Consistent love: a simple answer to all complex questions

 Consistent love

The world runs on these two words. As social animals our basic needs include food, water, air, and consistent love.

Time and again it has been reiterated that the mind and body cannot be understood if perceived as mutually exclusive. They are bidirectional forces that impact each other constantly. The pounding of the chest when you’re nervous before an interview or exam. The clarity of mind and pleasure that you get after physical exercise. There is evidence that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can bolster cell function and therefore the body’s ability to fight diseases (New port Academy, 2019). Consistent love and experiencing a sense of belonging can improve your physical health. Not just that, consistent love is the simple answer to all complex and traumatic experiences.

But why is consistency so important? The answer to this question might lie in the functions of the brain. Our brain likes consistency, stability, and predictability. When we wake up in the same bed, see the same people during the day, do similar tasks, know that there we be food on the plate and clothes to wear, when we know there will be electricity in the house, and water, is when our brain is ready to engage in higher level thought. It can now swathe itself in deep thoughts, attaching logic, processing emotions, and reflecting on one’s actions. Our brain is then capable of planning ahead, getting creative, and expressing oneself. Consistency also allows smooth reception of things that might not be usual, like new peers, new books, new teachers, new living spaces and so on. This way consistency supports change and growth as well.

On the flip side, erratic living conditions force the brain to function in survival mode. Survival mode is when one’s brain and body become focused on combating danger. An example could be sensing a stalker behind you. I think many of us can look back at a time when our carefree introspective walk was interrupted by a hunch that someone was following us. At that moment we snap out of our thriving state of mind and enter a survival state of mind.

However, consistency alone is not at the core of healing and development. It’s the magic ingredient called love that makes it a master recipe. As Victor Hugo has said, “The supreme happiness of life consists in the conviction that one is loved.”

“We all deserve and need someone whose eyes light up when we enter the room”. My professors have repetitively used this sentence during lectures, and for good reason.

There is evidence to prove that children who do not develop secure attachment with their caregivers during childhood have a high propensity towards developing low self-esteem, a negative worldview, have trust issues, and a perception of rejection. Depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation are common outcomes associated with a sense of loneliness  (Theison, 2021).

Studies have also shed light on the connection between a sense of community belonging and physical health. High sense of the former was associated with good physical health (Camilla et al, 2022).

Consistent love is the weapon against fear and lack of sense of safety. For instance, let's say a child has been living with abusive parents, who occasionally expressed love in front of relatives and friends. This child's brain has been messed with because she doesn't know what to expect. She will begin living in survival mode and constantly try to decipher her parents' expressions, actions, and words. Years after being away from these parents, a doorbell could be triggering for this child because in the past it has meant that unpredictable people are about to enter and it's time to be vigilant and watch for any signs of danger. 

It will be extremely difficult for this child to trust other people that enter her life after this experience. Just because someone was loving towards them the first couple times does not mean that she will be able to reciprocate and be comfortable trusting this individual. But only with consistent love will her walls melt down and cautious behaviours diminish. 

In a nutshell, we exist to love and be loved. We exist in relation to others. So, let’s do those little things for other people, give out hugs, ask about days, hangout more often, call for no reason. Let’s be loving and consistently loving. The most preeminent thing about belonging is that you help two or three people at a time, the person you’re connecting to, yourself, and sometimes the person witnessing your bond.

For mental health professionals, it just implies that being consistently caring is key. It also means that one should not be discouraged by seemingly failed first few attempts, because no act of kindness goes in vain. Our actions are constantly shaping the experiences and expectations of people around us. 

-Maithili


Camilla A. Michalski, Lori M. Diemert, John F. Helliwell, Vivek Goel, Laura C. Rosella. (2020). Relationship between sense of community belonging and self-rated health across life stages,SSM - Population Health. Volume 12. 100676. ISSN 2352-8273. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmph.2020.100676. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S235282732030313X)

New port Academy. (2019, October 27). What Is the Mind-Body Connection? Retrieved from https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/mental-health/understanding-the-mind-body-connection/

Theison, A. (2021, December 8). Is having a sense of belonging important? Retrieved from May Clinic Health System: https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/is-having-a-sense-of-belonging-important#:~:text=We%20cannot%20separate%20the%20importance,stress%20and%20other%20behavioral%20issues.

 

Fun reads:

https://karenmelhuishspencer.com/2016/02/20/belonging-starts-in-the-brain/

https://www.edcan.ca/articles/belonging-education-workplace/

https://www.learningandthebrain.com/blog/psychology-of-belonging/

 

 

 


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