Nothing wrong with tears

Many of us don’t know how to respond to a person who is crying. In the absence of the right skills and tools, we can create a gap between ourselves and our loved ones.

The reason responding in a helpful manner is difficult is because nobody teaches us or models it for us. In fact, we stray away from talking about tears and how to respond to them. Crying has always been seen as a sign of weakness, especially in men, making it a sensitive topic to touch. The result is that we react instead of responding.

We act out of our own discomfort. We say, “Don’t cry”, or “Strong people don’t cry”, or “This isn’t something to cry about”, “I don’t like seeing you cry”, “You don’t look good when you cry” because we would rather cheer them up than deal with tears. And we sometimes do that with the best of intentions. In fact, we think that we are being supportive.

(A popular one is, “how will crying solve the problem?”. This is an interesting one and I hope people start considering whether the person sobbing is trying to make their problems disappear through their tears. Mostly likely not. Maybe they are just offloading emotion to get themselves ready to start thinking about solutions.)

What usually happens is that because we love this person so much, their tears make us uncomfortable and anxious. Therefore, we try to quell it as soon as possible because we don’t want this person to be sad. However, what we fail to fathom in that moment is that keeping them from crying won’t change the fact that they are upset, it will only keep them from expressing it and worse, keep them from coming to us to express it in the future.

I like to live by this quote, “All behaviour is communication” and what our behaviour is communicating when we react like this is that we only like them when they are happy, that it’s not okay to cry, what they are feeling is not valid, they are exaggerating their problems, and the worst, that we are not a safe person to come to when they are feeling those heavy emotions.

Sometimes our reactions shift the responsibility on them, making them feel guilty for causing us discomfort, it can compel them to stop crying and now make us feel better instead (Reynolds, 2020). If we cannot hold the intensity of the emotions, it is fair to say that “I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to support you like you deserve right now, I’ll need some space to gather myself together” and walk away to regulate ourselves first. Because we cannot give what we don’t have. If we are not calm, we cannot calm them down. If we are not willing to understand what we are feeling in that moment, we cannot possibly understand them.

Our reactions sometimes also stem from conscious or subconscious judgement. We were raised to believe that crying is wrong or for the weak.

But.

Crying is human and healthy. Emotional tears release hormones that lower stress levels (North start transitions, 2021). Crying activates our parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) which helps in digestion and relaxation. Not only that, crying also releases endorphins, improving one’s sense of well-being. Holding back tears and stifling difficult emotions is unhelpful and unhealthy and always comes out in uglier ways in the future. Repressive coping or keeping feelings inside is associated with a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, as well as stress, anxiety, and depression (Newhouse, 2021). We all know that bottling up emotions is unhelpful, yet we subconsciously or consciously encourage hiding tears.

So, what SHOULD WE DO INSTEAD?

First, take it as a compliment. In society where crying is seen as a weak act of attention seeking, a person has opened up to you and has seen you as a safe person to cry in front of. You can always vocalize it and say, “I’m glad you felt comfortable letting your emotions out with me, thank you.”

“Can I give you a hug?”

Don’t focus on the crying but what’s behind it.

Say, “What happened?” instead of, “What’s wrong with you?”

Say “How can I help?”

Keep them at the center of the conversation. It’s about them.

Say, “I’m here with you.”

If you don’t know what to say, be authentic and say that.

“I’m really at a loss of words right now but am here to support you in any way you need.”

Emotional vulnerability is an opportunity for empathy and connection.

 

What it’s not?

It’s not an opportunity to get into a competition and talk about a time you went through something worse.

It’s not an opportunity to solve their problem. As fascinating as it is to do this, it is important to understand that they are the experts in their life and your suggestions might be helpful, but it is them who must make the final decision about what to do or not to do.

What you think is the right thing to do is a product of your experiences, actions and results, values, parenting, and several other factors. These things might not be the same for your friend.

The reason the desire to solve someone else’s problem is problematic is because it is backed by the assumption that the individual is incapable of solving their problem. Possibly, this is fueled by the assumption that crying makes them weak and hence, you must be the savior or the stronger person and take a decision for them. The aspect of seeing them as less than is the issue.

It’s not an opportunity for sympathy. Sympathy comes from a position of power, a “I’m more than” mindset, it’s a power imbalance. Meanwhile, empathy is equal.

-Maithili

References

Newhouse, L. (2021, March). Is crying good for you? Retrieved from Health Harvard: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-crying-good-for-you-2021030122020

North start transitions. (2021, February 19). 10 BENEFITS OF CRYING FOR MENTAL HEALTH. Retrieved from https://www.northstartransitions.com/post/10-benefits-of-crying-for-mental-health#:~:text=Many%20people%20associate%20crying%20with,and%20strengthen%20your%20immune%20system

Reynolds, M. (2020, October 24). What Should You Do When Someone Cries? Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/wander-woman/202010/what-should-you-do-when-someone-cries