What vulnerability is not

 

Vulnerability is a contentious topic. As the world is moving from fixating only on what damage can be seen to emotional and mental problems, vulnerability comes into the spotlight. Suddenly there are books over books about it, and everyone has an opinion on it. There are people who believe being vulnerable should be prevented at all costs and others who think that being a completely open book for anyone to read through is a virtue.

However, vulnerability is not often about the act of being vulnerable but the intention and purpose behind it. Its premise is what makes it either healthy and helpful or unhealthy and unhelpful.

Sometimes people use something painful that happened or is happening to justify their unkindness without the intention and work to mitigate those patterns. Vulnerability without accountability is manipulation.

Vulnerability is not guilting a partner into staying with you despite how disrespectfully you treat them because you grew up in a toxic environment painted with contempt.

Now since that is out of the way, let’s talk about what vulnerability really is. Vulnerability is an act of courage because it involves acknowledging something that by society’s standards may be unwelcome, weak, immoral, or too much. True vulnerability deepens a relationship because it allows another to see you in your humanity. To be vulnerable is really to just be authentic. It’s risky and can go either way.

True vulnerability also shows self-assuredness. When someone shares something difficult with you and knows it could change how you see them for the worse, they are putting their choice to be authentic over your approval. Their self-worth is not on the line.

Most often people see certain parts of us, which may be true but are incomplete. They do not tell our whole story or show our comprehensive identity. There is nothing wrong with that either. Different relationships exist at different emotional distances.

However, as we get closer to someone and wish to deepen our bond, vulnerability no longer stays optional.

My friend called me and told me about the job she just got. She told me how proud she was of herself and that she had exceeded her own expectations. She was worried that it may sound boastful if she said it to anyone else and she couldn’t fully express how truly delighted she was for this milestone. She was being vulnerable with me.

One of my ex-boyfriends spent a lot of time on a phone call while we were out on a dinner date. I got upset and told him how disrespectful I thought that was. He apologized and shared with me how he hadn’t spoken to this particular friend in a long time. He had also gotten a good job recently and didn’t want to come across as someone who thinks of himself as better than his friend because of that and ignores his calls. This was something his friend had been complaining/teasing him about. Something along the lines of, “Yeah you are all settled now why would you call your old minimum wage friends.” He told me he didn’t want to hurt him and hence spoke with him.

I appreciated him opening up to me and sharing this story. I told him how he can give both of us 100% attention if he just calls him at a different time. All was well and we moved on from this.

However, this behaviour never stopped. On any occasion that we were out spending intentional time, either his phone would come out or he would spend several minutes speaking to an acquaintance he ran into, or would have to go pickup his friend and so on.

I realized that when he shared that story with me, he wasn’t taking accountability. Instead, he was expecting me to accommodate his disrespect while he continued people pleasing.

Demanding accommodation is not vulnerability.